I like to let my year in review posts marinate for a while before writing them. It provides me some space to process the year as a whole. When I start writing them in January, the holidays haven't had enough time to integrate into the totality. The danger is that life will get in the way of writing, and before I can sit down and write the year in review, I've forgotten half of the year I'm reviewing....
I almost fell into that trap this year, but here it goes.
2012 was a rough year professionally. I didn't lose my job or need to take a pay cut or even live through yet another round of pay cuts. In fact, I got a nice raise and a healthy bonus and my job got more secure. What did happen was that for the first half of the year my company lived under the shadow of an impending sale. The second half of the year was spent adjusting to working for a much bigger company. Both situations made it hard to stay focused and motivated. Before the sale it was a little easier because there was hope that our company would survive as a standalone entity; we would continue to be able to do things our way. After the sale, it was much more difficult. The new parent is a good company, but it is huge and has its own way of doing things. It was particularly hard for me, because in many ways it was a step backwards professionally. I went from essentially running a doc team, to being little more than a cog in a sea of cogs.
Personally 2012 was complicated. My anxiety continued to be an issue. In the early part of the year it was fairly acute. I expended far too much energy worrying that every ache and pain was terminal. Fortunately, I'm pretty good at hiding the anxiety and, hopefully, am not scaring Kenzie for life with it. Amping up the exercise, meditation, and nightly journalling have helped reign the anxiety in, although I do wash my hands way too much.
Aside from the shadow of anxiety, my personal life is excellent. (I think that perversely fuels some of the anxiety... My shrink tends to agree) Heather and I, aside from the normal tensions married couples face around money, chores, and child rearing have a great relationship. We work our way through the issues without yelling, saying things we'd regret, or harboring any lingering anger. It is actually pretty cool to have a partner who accepts your crazy and whose crazy fits nicely with your own.
Kenzie is growing like a weed. She is super tall and pretty coordinated for a two year old. She climbs all over her play yard like a champ and before it started getting to cold was trying to climb on the tree in our yard. Watching her personality develop is fascinating. She is a pretty cautious child; she takes her time checking out new situations; she will explore every part of a new toy. Once she is comfortable, she is all in. I can sit for hours and watch her make cookies, talk on her phone, feed and change her babies. The things she remembers are crazy too. She will mention things from week previous with no context and it will take me a while to figure out exactly what she is talking about. She is usually a pretty good sport when it happens (usually).
One of the most amazing things to me is how as she grows, I need to grow as well. I am constantly faced with situations where I must consider my own biases. Whether it is explaining something to her, teaching her how to do something, or managing her behaviors, I find myself asking myself questions. Explaining things to a 2 year forces my to rethink and distill my understanding of them. When deciding to set a limit, I am always asking myself who is this limit intended to help: is it to make me feel better (or my life easier) or is it for her? I don't always change my mind if it is for me, but at least I'm clear about it.
My extended family grew this year as well. My brother got married and had a second child. My niece also got married and had a child. This is a study in contrasts. Everyone was thrilled for my brother and his new wife. They make a good team and are pretty stable. Most of us were concerned for my niece. She is 20 and bi-polar; her husband is an unemployed high school drop out. We were supportive, because the heart wants what the heart wants. All one can do is be there when family needs help. One never can tell how a story will end....
We got to go on a bunch of good vacations. Kenzie seems to be a goodish traveller. The first night at any new place is rough for her, but I think that is true for most kids. It was definitely true for me. Even when I was staying at my grandparents house, the zillionth time, I had a hard time falling asleep the first night. Fortunately, Kenzie shares our enjoyment of the outdoors and the water. If she didn't it would make vacations much harder.
For 2013, I'm going to continue working on anxiety management. Life is too much fun to waste energy on fear. I'm also going to continue enjoying watching Kenzie grow and relish all of the opportunities it offers me to grow as well. As for work, they wouldn't call it work if it was all fun and games. I am keeping my options open. I keep trying to find ways to make positive changes and at the same time keep my eyes open for new opportunities.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Zero Dark Thrity
The best movies excite you while you are in the seat and then, after you are safely back in your world, keep disturbing your thoughts. Zero Dark Thirty is one of those movies.
It is engaging to watch. It feels slightly too long, but that enhances the experience by reenforcing the too long nature of the search. The cinematography is dark. Even the sound, mostly quiet, except when it needs to be loud, draw you in. Jessica Chastain's performance is subtle and does an excellent job of depicting a driven person's descent into a dark place. It is not simply that moral lines may have been crossed; it is the monomania that possesses her. There is no space left in her life for anything but the hunt. The final scene is a complex release of grief and joy and fear. The mission is complete, but now what?
During the movie you do not really have the space to consider the morality of what is happening. The movie goes out of its way to stay neutral on the subject of torture. Later though it makes you think.... I am, personally, not a believer in torture; however, I am also a cynic and understand why it happens. One does not need to be evil to torture a witness, nor does one need to morally lax to consider that it may be OK. My position is rational; I don't think it provides good information. I would certainly say anything to make pain stop regardless of its truth and believe that is how pretty much everybody works. The film, despite all the crazy media uproar to the contrary, is neutral on the subject. Torture happens and, as it was in real life, some of the characters believe that it was effective. On the flip side, it is made clear that the key piece of information does not come from torture. The film simply provides the audience a space to consider its merits.
It is engaging to watch. It feels slightly too long, but that enhances the experience by reenforcing the too long nature of the search. The cinematography is dark. Even the sound, mostly quiet, except when it needs to be loud, draw you in. Jessica Chastain's performance is subtle and does an excellent job of depicting a driven person's descent into a dark place. It is not simply that moral lines may have been crossed; it is the monomania that possesses her. There is no space left in her life for anything but the hunt. The final scene is a complex release of grief and joy and fear. The mission is complete, but now what?
During the movie you do not really have the space to consider the morality of what is happening. The movie goes out of its way to stay neutral on the subject of torture. Later though it makes you think.... I am, personally, not a believer in torture; however, I am also a cynic and understand why it happens. One does not need to be evil to torture a witness, nor does one need to morally lax to consider that it may be OK. My position is rational; I don't think it provides good information. I would certainly say anything to make pain stop regardless of its truth and believe that is how pretty much everybody works. The film, despite all the crazy media uproar to the contrary, is neutral on the subject. Torture happens and, as it was in real life, some of the characters believe that it was effective. On the flip side, it is made clear that the key piece of information does not come from torture. The film simply provides the audience a space to consider its merits.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Iron Sky
A cheap movie about Moon Nazis is either going to be terrible or terribly fun. Iron Sky was terribly fun. It had better special effects than it had the right to. The performances were over the top. The plot was predictable. Even the moralizing was expected. Still it was exactly what you would expect from a low budget movie about Moon Nazis. It was way better than the normal ScyFy movie of the week.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Sleepwalk With Me
A movie based on a This American Life skit is an interesting idea in theory. The danger in executing it is that it will feel like a fifteen minute skit dragged out for ninety minutes. The other danger is that a character who seems interesting for a brief moment will become loathsome over the long hall.
Sadly Sleepwalk With Me fell into both traps. The sleepwalking skit is one of the great TAL episodes. Mike Birbiglia's other bits are also typically funny. The problem is that he doesn't do the work to tie them together into a story that holds up for the duration. In many ways, the sleepwalking bit feels tacked on to a dull story about the end of a relationship. It doesn't add anything to the story and the humor is fleeting. The love story bit is too mixed up with the bit about becoming an adult and it doesn't seem to really mesh in anyway that is believable. It all hangs together like a ball of wet noodles. A film is too long for Birbiglia's meandering style to hold up. It works best when the audience cannot stop paying attention halfway through because they don't have time.
The other problem is that for the movie to work you have to like the central character. As he says "remember you are on my side". I was never on his side. I wanted the girl to walkout on him after the first five minutes. I wanted her to sleep with the hunky guy at the bar. I wanted him to fall asleep at the wheel. I didn't believe that any girl could have more than a passing "self loathing" moment where she would consider him suitable for anything more than a tool. I didn't even believe it when he finally figured out how to be funny.
Was it a terrible movie? No. Do I feel like it was a waste of ninety minutes? Not really. Would I pay to watch it? No.
Sadly Sleepwalk With Me fell into both traps. The sleepwalking skit is one of the great TAL episodes. Mike Birbiglia's other bits are also typically funny. The problem is that he doesn't do the work to tie them together into a story that holds up for the duration. In many ways, the sleepwalking bit feels tacked on to a dull story about the end of a relationship. It doesn't add anything to the story and the humor is fleeting. The love story bit is too mixed up with the bit about becoming an adult and it doesn't seem to really mesh in anyway that is believable. It all hangs together like a ball of wet noodles. A film is too long for Birbiglia's meandering style to hold up. It works best when the audience cannot stop paying attention halfway through because they don't have time.
The other problem is that for the movie to work you have to like the central character. As he says "remember you are on my side". I was never on his side. I wanted the girl to walkout on him after the first five minutes. I wanted her to sleep with the hunky guy at the bar. I wanted him to fall asleep at the wheel. I didn't believe that any girl could have more than a passing "self loathing" moment where she would consider him suitable for anything more than a tool. I didn't even believe it when he finally figured out how to be funny.
Was it a terrible movie? No. Do I feel like it was a waste of ninety minutes? Not really. Would I pay to watch it? No.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Fringe
Fringe has finally ended its improbably long run. I never expected that it would make it past the first season. Each summer I would wait for the announcement that it wasn't coming back. Then it would come back and be just as good or better than the season before.
The story lines went off the rails sometimes; plot caverns cropped up; continuity was broken like a twig. The biggest violation was in the middle of season four when Peter went from avoiding Olivia to simply giving into his urges. It was like during the mid season break the characters had some rewiring. Let's also not forget how Walter supposedly wrote the book of the first people or the other book from the first two seasons. The complete rewriting of the timeline was at least telegraphed.
There was also the annoying habit the show had of never quite resolving anything. First there was the pattern, then there was the other side, and finally the future. The writers just skipped from one to the next without ever really resolving the previous. At least in the end the whole framework was put into some sort of sense. It was the Observers all along not that it really answers everything.
Despite all of the shows flaws, it was a great show. It didn't dumb things down even if it did take great liberty with science. The writing was typically sharp. The actors were typically in top form. More than any of that however, the show had great characters that I wanted to follow. They were multilayered and flawed and noble and conflicted and always aimed at doing the right thing. Walter was probably the best of the bunch. Walter was hubristic and brilliant and blind. Olivia was wounded, defensive, smart, tough, and kind. Peter was a lot like Walter. Broyles was too willing to sacrifice what he thought was right for the greater good.
As the final episode drilled home, the show, underneath all the crazy, was a story about family and friends and finding your way in the crazy world. Unlike many shows recently, Fringe went out on top with a close to perfect ending. It may have been too neat, but it was right.
The story lines went off the rails sometimes; plot caverns cropped up; continuity was broken like a twig. The biggest violation was in the middle of season four when Peter went from avoiding Olivia to simply giving into his urges. It was like during the mid season break the characters had some rewiring. Let's also not forget how Walter supposedly wrote the book of the first people or the other book from the first two seasons. The complete rewriting of the timeline was at least telegraphed.
There was also the annoying habit the show had of never quite resolving anything. First there was the pattern, then there was the other side, and finally the future. The writers just skipped from one to the next without ever really resolving the previous. At least in the end the whole framework was put into some sort of sense. It was the Observers all along not that it really answers everything.
Despite all of the shows flaws, it was a great show. It didn't dumb things down even if it did take great liberty with science. The writing was typically sharp. The actors were typically in top form. More than any of that however, the show had great characters that I wanted to follow. They were multilayered and flawed and noble and conflicted and always aimed at doing the right thing. Walter was probably the best of the bunch. Walter was hubristic and brilliant and blind. Olivia was wounded, defensive, smart, tough, and kind. Peter was a lot like Walter. Broyles was too willing to sacrifice what he thought was right for the greater good.
As the final episode drilled home, the show, underneath all the crazy, was a story about family and friends and finding your way in the crazy world. Unlike many shows recently, Fringe went out on top with a close to perfect ending. It may have been too neat, but it was right.
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